Some Thoughts...

I've been thinking a lot about things lately, and I wanted to get them down before I lose them.

I've been finding it harder and harder to get through the days lately.  I thought things would get easier the further out from losing our son we would get.  I thought I would find some sort of normalcy as time went on.  The fact is that it seems like I'm getting farther away from normalcy.  Normal would be Brandt and I having a 4 month old baby ruling the house.  We would have lots of little funny moments with Lucas, watching him grow and learn things.  Possibly teething.  Reaching for anything that comes into his path.  Lots of smiles and laughs that would bring so much joy into our lives.   But here we are, without our son.  Every day I think and wonder why.  It's just that I thrive on details, knowledge, facts, and figures! I NEED answers...and if I don't have an answer, you better believe I will search the ends of the earth to find one I'm satisfied with. My sons condition (pentalogy of cantrell) has no answers. It's a fluke of nature. There's nothing we did to cause it and nothing we could have done to prevent it. This doesn't sit well with me. I think I've done just about as much research as anyone can do without being a doctor. And even doctors have really no answers about this condition because it's so rare, and babies generally don't live long enough for doctors to do in depth studies.   But because I don't have answers...I go within myself to get them.  I wonder if maybe it was something I did or said in my past that I am being punished for?  Did I not deserve this most special baby boy?  I know the logical answer is Yes...I do deserve Lucas.  I wish I knew what plans Heavenly Father had for him.  Would it make it easier?  Would it make the time pass more peacefully?

I have to remind myself that I am not the one in control. The Universe nor Heavenly Father is NOT punishing me because I was selfish at some point somewhere. I have to remember that no amount of good or bad thoughts, or any amount of prayers could have changed this situation. (granted prayers have certainly strengthened me and my family and brought us closer to each other and closer to Heavenly Father), This was a plan that had been planned out long ago. And hopefully I can let go of my NEED for answers and just trust a little more in a loving Heavenly Father...and know that everything happens for our greater happiness :)

I truly know that Heavenly Father loves all His children.  Just as I weep because of my love and for the loss of Lucas and the struggling he went through just in his 7 hours of life, I KNOW Heavenly Father weeps for us as we go through our struggles.  His love for us is so much greater, as He is greater than us.